De-cluttering

Things I am sad and angry about: Being cheated by people I trusted, having being lied to, having been insulted, having been shown indifference, having been made use of, having been made a fool of, not having a maid to clean everyday, for not having the salary I would like to have, for not having my sister around, for not having friends around, having to work when I want to bury my head in a pillow and sleep, for not having the sandman series, for not having more movies and books, for not being able to eat potatoes for a year, for not being able to start my PhD straight away, seeing my friends go through difficult times, for not having a bigger kitchen, for not being taller,  for not being thinner, for not working at the field I want to eventually end up in, for not being able to have more faith in God, for not being able to see my parents and grandparents and the rest of the family more, the fact that my family and my cats can’t get along so that I could go home more with them, that when I go home I miss my cats and feel guilty I am not with them and when I am back I miss home, that people talk about my cats in ways I dnt like them, that people don’t realise things that are important to me and accept them, for not having a more exciting and fun life, for not being able to shop more, for not having the energy to try new things, that I have been feeling down and out for so long, that the construction work outside my house just goes on and on and irritates me with all the noise, that the birds outside my window are extra chirpy (if only the window was a bit closer, my cats would have silenced them!!but then I would have killed them for hurting the birds), that my internet is so damn slow at nites, that i find there is nothing to do in Bangalore, that most of my friends are far away, that Nemo misbehaves and gives me extra work, that I have kidney stones that keep troubling me and this respiratory problem that annoys me and migraines that make me fume that auto guys can be so rude and are forever trying to cheat me……..

I am Happy and grateful because: I have an amazing family, that my sister and I are best friends, that my parents are very cool and I know if anything is wrong I can go to them for help, that my grandparents love me so much, that I have all of them to pray and create positive energy for me, that the friends who show up when I need them are always there, that I have people who call me up to make sure I am OK, that I have people I can call up in the middle of the night for help and that they will land up, that I have great bosses who give me freedon and flexibility at work, that my work timings are awesome, that I have THE MOST wonderful babies(cats) in the world, that they are waiting for me every time I open the door, that junk food exists, that I can always feel better reading a book or watching a movie, that my love for animals give me a purpose in life, that I am a decent writer, that I have never been abused starved or unloved in my childhood, that I had a comfortable life, that things that make me happy  makes me very happy, that I have 2 wonderful dogs at home who love me to bits, that Memoll comes to purr and cuddle with me every morning, that Nemo hugs me and cuddles up to me when we sleep at night, that I am able to support myself, that my sister is doing well in life, that my parents and grandparents are young and healthy and happy, that I just got a parcel this morning with chips from home, that I have non interfering landlords who don’t create trouble, that the weather right now is amazing, that I do have a lot of books and movies, that I have the entire Calvin and Hobbes collection, that I come from a place that has mountains, fields, rivers, and the sea, that going home can always make me feel better, that writing all this has made me feel better, that I am only turning 27 next month and can hope that this year will be better, and……

most of all that I am able to see the difference between both the lists and know that this one tops the other in terms of importance.

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Sisters….

8133_144612162447_740632447_3395438_439026_nSiblings. Such a small word that defies the vast, intense, strong forever word it denotes. I know siblings who are close, some very close, some indifferent and some who just hate each other. I am sure every one of you who is close to their own sibling feels that their bond is the strongest. Going down the same path, I feel what I share with my sister is like what no one else in the world has. And that’s true. For what we share is ours alone.

My sister has always been my best friend and that is what makes our tie so strong. It has never been ‘I am the elder one so listen to what I say’ kind of a relationship.  We tell each other everything, we are always there when one of us needs the other and the best part of the relationship is the untold, but understood tie. Those things that only a sister can understand. You share genetic make-up, you are brought up the same way, you learn the same things, you are always entwined with the other one’s life. Different though you maybe as grown ups, you are unusually like the other person too. The only one who will ever be like you.

I remember when we were still living at home and bedtime drew near Even after having spent the whole day together, it was still so exciting to go to bed and discuss everything again. Hours and hours of conversation and giggling in the night over the silliest of things. Shared memories, funny names for each other and the rest of the world, talking about ‘when we are grown up’, midnight snacks, the wonders of childhood is so deeply entrenched in each other that without her, life seems impossible.

Now that we are ‘grown up’ or partly so, the magic is still the same. Everything seems OK when she is around and all the worries and disappointments lose the sharp edge it normally brings about. I am eternally grateful for that extra 2 years we got when I was doing my masters in Pune and we got to live with each other again.  Now that she has gone to London for her LLM, what I wonder is if one period of ‘sisterhood’ is over. Chances of us living together, chances of us having only each other as top priority…will all this change? Now she will get a job and move on, I have a job and I will move on, we will take up grown up responsibilities; a part of childhood is suddenly over. And I miss that dreadfully. But I am also so proud of her and where she is right now and I know whatever happens, we will always be there for each other, love each other and forever be ‘sisters’ . I love you my lalami.

Stand by me.

In life, you meet a lot of people who come your way and you form different kind of relationships with. These are the people you get to choose. The ones other than your family. Some become acquaintances, some become friends, some become close friends, some become coworkers, some become lovers and some you just can’t stand the sight of. But you can never say who are the people who will stand by you when it matters.

I have always been told that I am the kind of person who gets too involved with the people I care about. That I get too emotionally attached and do too much. Its true I do. I give them a lot of power over my feelings. And get hurt in the process. But there are those people who surprise you by standing by you when you never expect them to. The relationship you forge with them is worth all the hurt and let downs.

There are some people who will take complete advantage of the kind of person you are. Who will accept all those extra miles you go for them, be there for you when everything is sunny and bright. But the moment the horizon gets stormy, they bail. The ones who won’t accept their share of responsibilities in the relationship. Who will never give in in a way that you can let yourself count on them.

So Nithya, it doesnt matter how you feel right now. If some one has made you feel the way you are feeling right now, they aren’t worth it. You don’t need to be anybody’s personal sunny day. If you are having a rainy day, that someone should be standing with you under your umbrella. If they aren’t, leave them behind in the puddle. And power might lie with those who don’t cry. Who don’t show emotions. But it doesn’t matter. The returns you get when you are with someone who sees you for who you are, loves you for who you are, cherishes the things you cherish, values the relationship and holds their end of the rope, is worth it. With these people you know you can cry buckets without worrying about a power struggle. So chin up. This too shall end. In the meantime, get a pet. Then you will realise what love is all about. Or go home. Family will always stand by you. Love you loads. Muah.

My prayers to Gibson and his family.

I got up this morning to the sad news that one of my closest friend’s dad had passed away. Gibson and I go a long way back and he has been one of those few people who have seen me through everything. One of those people you know you can turn to for comfort, and to always be on your side. And today when he called me for comfort, I froze. I didn’t have the words to tell him what he might have wanted to hear.

What do you tell a person who has lost a father, lost a parent that you still need around? That you understand how hard it is and that it will be OK? How does that make sense? Because I can’t even pretend to comprehend the pain he is going through. And I know it will never be alright. You learn to live with it, but it isn’t alright. So I said all the words I could think of that now make me cringe. I said ‘be strong for your mother and sisters’. But I failed him. He didn’t call me to hear that. I am sure he will be strong for his mother and sisters because life from its depths gives you the strength for it when the tide is hitting you from the wrong side. He called me for himself. To hear words that is meant just to ease his pain a fraction less than what it is at the moment. And I froze.

I turned to my dad for comfort and advice. And he didn’t fail me. Having lost a father at a young age himself, he really did comprehend Gibson’s pain. He told me that my job as a friend was not to find the right words. I didn’t have to comfort him; I needed to be there to grieve with him. That’s all I could do. Humans, for all their advancement, are such limited creatures. So that is all I could do.

So these are my words to my dear friend. Sharika and I love you very much and we wish we could do more. I will pray hard that somehow you and your family are blessed with the strength to get through this. And to answer to what you said about how you wished you could have told him once more that you loved him; tell him. You are his son. A part of him is always going to be with you. That is how we keep the people we love alive. By remembering them and living well. So that the part of them in you also lives well and lives on. God bless all those who have lost someone close to them.

ONAM!!!!

Festivals always make me feel good like it does to most people. There is this whole feel of celebration in the air, a feel of joy and silly happiness at the smallest of rituals. The nostalgia of all the happy memories the day brings is the best part of it. Remembering it like how it ws when you were a child, a day when everyone is all smiles and kindness, a day of good intentions and new resolutions, a day of AMAZING sadhya and GIFTS!!!! The thought of sadhya makes my mouth water, the avial and kootu and pullisheri and paruppu and vada curry and pickles and payasams.mmmmmmmm.

Being a Keralite, Onam is obviously very important to me. And today I miss being with my parents and grandparents at home partaking in the Onam festivities. But then I realise, that part of growing up is recognizing new families you make along the way, people who come to mean a lot to you and take part in this festival that’s close to your heart. And you learn to recognize this. So while you are missing the old Onam days, you learn to love the new ones in your lives. Happy Onam everybody. Have a great day.

Pondering

With the spring returning to my steps, and slowly enjoying things i used to enjoy, I walked out of home to work this morning bright eyed with optimism for a good day.

No autos for a long way, cops crawling all over the road, a few autos with broken glasses, my day wasnt going to be so starry I realized. Finally when I caught an auto I heard the real story. Old news in a new day. Communal tension.

In a world where things go out of style in nanoseconds, why is this such an ever lasting style? When does this stop? And the whole thing sounds like a kindergarten squabble. The Ganesh chatturthi procession was too loud during the namaaz time and the muslims raised their voice, the procession people instead of bein steeped in the sheer magic of their ritual, makes sure they are even louder to spite the objection, the church people celebrating their own festival of Mother Mary decides that its more fun to get into the squabble and raise their own many objections to the world in general, the endless viscious cycle goes on. In the whole fight for ‘relegious reasons’, the only person who seem to remain neglected is god. Its funny that people fight for god in the name of god and never does what god seems to lead them to do.Almost as if god’s biggest enemy is actually god. How can one fight on a ground that is based on personal belief? The keyword here being personal. Its your own thing. Do it. Why waste time proving other’s beliefs are wrong when it has got nothing to do with u?

In a country where we have co-existed peacefully for years, why has the last 70 years or so been a blood bath of religious prosecution? Did we get independence too early, not knowing how to deal with the freedom or get it too late by when we had forgotten what it was like to live in love and peace? I take my leave with this pondering question. Hope the rest of the day does’nt suck so bad….