Opening Up

For those of you who like me have been living on your own for a while and is used to having to take care of yourself and not depend on anybody else for all those emotional upheavals, you will know what I am talking about.

True, you have friends, you have family; but they are all far away from you. There is only so much you can communicate over the phone and over emails. The fact that these people are around is an undeniable truth. But what also holds true is that for the most part, you have learnt to deal with things yourself, take care and protect yourself from all the hurtful stuff life hurls at you. You talk about it, discuss it, get the comfort from ‘your people’, but put the phone down or close the email, when all the feels come rushing at you and overwhelms you, you have only yourself to help deal with them. It’s a good lesson learnt the hard way.

But time comes when you suddenly get a new set of ‘your people’ to be physically around. It can be a friend, a co-worker, a neighbor, a boyfriend/girlfriend, a husband/wife, a great boss or any one at all. Now comes the tough question, how do you start the process of opening up?

The people you have already put on the list as ‘deemed worthy of opening up to’ are people who have crept in and been a part of your life for a long time, much before the rigidness of living alone made its mark on you and toughened you up in a way that has made it almost impossible to open up to a new set of people. You might not even remember how it was done. But because you care about the people who have just come in, you try.

To trust is no easy task especially if you have been hurt before along the way. To tell someone what is wrong to me is almost a physical feat; the words get stuck in your throat, the feeling wedges onto your chest till you can barely breathe, anger, frustration, pain, fear all make their way tumbling through your head, everything gets fuzzy, confusing and terribly overwhelming.

But in spite of all this, you still try. It’s hard, but you still do. And what you fear the most is that this fragile trust will be taken and shattered into a million pieces and to put it back together all over again will be impossible. And then you are going to be stuck with the process of gluing yourself together on your own again, is it really worth it? Will the person take care of you? Be loyal to you? Hold you in priority? Not let you down? Squelch your fears? Understand you? Fight your battles with you? Or will you let yourself in for a ride only to find yourself sweeping up the left behinds?

But let me tell you this, close your eyes and think of the people who haven’t ever let you down. Who have fiercely and passionately been true and loyal to you. Who were never politically right when it came to matters of your heart and emotions. Think how these people made you feel. The sheer joy, the happiness that floods in you when they do so, the feeling of worth and measure you felt when they stood by you, the security and the way you let your protected heart open up and be free; isn’t it worth taking a risk to let someone make you feel that way? Isn’t it worth taking the chance? So all you independent, strong willed and mistrustful people out there – let loose a bit. Let someone in. If you are let down it is their bad and I am sure that you are strong enough to survive it. Otherwise, enjoy the feeling of letting someone win your trust. Bon chance.

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My Grandma

One says that family is a group of people you are stuck with. You can’t choose them. In a sense, that is true. Then I am

The 4 granddaughters with the grandparents

probably the luckiest girl in the world to be given a bunch of people I would have chosen anyway if I had the option to.

My grandma and I have always had a very special bond. She was still in her 30s when I was born and her youth, her energy and her complete and utter love for me forged a tie between us that is strong, thriving and one that overcomes all odds, all fights, differences of opinion, generation gap. I remember time spent with her when I was a child like it happened just yesterday. The strange way my heart filled with joy so strong that it almost hurt, the fierce protectiveness and possessiveness that crept into me every time she was around; a love so strong, it felt desperate.

The love grandparents give you is completely different from anything else you will ever experience. It is a love completely without boundaries of responsibility or discipline. They are there just to love you, pamper and spoil you; not to draw any lines of behavior, after all that is what parents are for.

Going to my grandma’s place was all about fun and games and endless stories and doing everything my sister and I would not be allowed to do at home. Spoiling the house, painting all over the walls, eating all the junk food we wanted to, sleeping at whatever time we pleased, watching all the TV we wanted, bossing my grandparents around to our heart’s content and so much more. Midnight car rides looking for helium balloons and chocolates, endless trips to the toy stores, demands of any kind of food only to have it appear on the table 10 minutes later; no one could have asked for better childhood memories.

And this progressed into something deeper and profound as I grew up. The love a child had for her grandmother transformed into a strong love a grown-up granddaughter has for her grandmother. She became my confidant, my friend, the person I found easy to share things with, to fight with. She was always the person I could be myself with without having to worry about the right behavior or opinion. I took her for granted for sure, but isn’t that the greatest part of love, to love someone so much you expect them to understand and put up with you and be able to be the same way back? Sharika and I bully her, make her angry, happy, sad, joyful, all at once. But we love her. Like we love no one else. We admire the strength she has that she isn’t aware of, her ability to love, to cherish, to look after people. We admire her beliefs, her patience and always want her to be happy and at peace.

I hope she recovers from her operation fast. Amuma, your heart is so special, that I believe it will have no trouble getting better soon. It hurts to see you in the hospital so frail and so scared. But you have no reason to be. Look around you. Look at how many people have come for you and love you. It speaks so loudly about you. So you get better for all of us. Because we need you to be. Because we love you so much. Because you are my grandmother.

To All you Women Out There

This is definitely a post for all you women out there. Let me start of by wishing you all a (belated) ‘Happy Women’s Day’. But I seriously don’t believe we have just one day to celebrate how great we are, that is to be done every single day. So yesterday, on women’s day, god (who is a woman) went on vacation and her weak and completely useless assistant (who is a man) took over. And being the inefficient fool that he is (but forgive him, he is only a mere guy), he goofed up on everything and landed me with what he thought would touch my womanly heart, my monthly period. Ok guys, the one thing I hate hearing from you all is when you tell us how we should consider ourselves lucky to be able to enjoy period and the birthing process. Seriously, every month of cramps, back ache, mood swings is no spiritual pleasure. It is just banal. And the next time you don’t know what to say just shut it and go but us some chocolates. But this post is definitely not about bashing out at men (excuse me for doing it, but my emotions, because of all the hormonal imbalance is haywire at the moment). It is about how I am sure many women feel during this time. The crazy mood swings that have you laughing like crazy at one moment, and sobbing at the other moment. And both the laughing and crying having no constructive reasons behind them. It is so ridiculous to have these emotions and feel like you have no control over them! And the irritation!!!My god, like something physical crawling all over you. And the pleasure you get when you lash out at someone which is immediately followed by remorse. It amazes me, that within a span of a few moments, it is possible to feel such a wide lot of emotions, but I guess that is the sign of evolution, to be able to experience all this. So today I am sitting, feeling better than yesterday, with the swings of emotions dwindling away and normalcy slowly setting back in, when men smell a little less like keys (Oh come on, every girl will have some vague, weird association during this time and this is mine). But I am glad that I am a girl and am able to experience all this and know that I was made completely special and given all this because I am strong enough to endure it and clever enough to see the plus points behind it. So god, glad you are back from your vacation! Now let’s roll….