The Month Behind – The Ups and Downs

My life is like huge crashing waves. And I wouldn’t want it any other way. The month behind was turbulent with many lessons learnt about handling crisis, about who my real people are and how much family means to me. The month and a half went racing past; seemed like a never ending eternity when I was going through it, but now I can look back and frown at the awful moments and smile at the good ones. So here is my stream of thoughts of the last month and half.

Cycle 1: Vishu. New year. Hopes of a good year. Dinner at home with friends. A whole day of cooking. Kidney stone pain!!!Shots in the night. Shots the next few days. Pain pain pain. Never ending pain; pain when I sit, pain when I stand, pain when I sleep. Why does pain take over your thoughts till it lets nothing else pervade in. Your whole existence becomes about the pain. Scans, tests. Nemo and Memoll cuddling upto me. Teena soothing me with home made lunch and sweet talk. Bart coming over everyday and making me laugh. Ravi on the phone every day making sure I’m all right. BR Uncle and all his help. Work sent from office. Sneha tells me to lay off freelance and just get better. Concerned phone calls from home.

Cycle 2: Excrutiating pain. Numbed with pain makes sense suddenly. Hospitalized for a week for kidney infection. Stone-UTI-Kidney infection. Pain shots, fever, medicines, nonexistent veins and repeated efforts to find one, jabs all over, kind nurses and doctors, Bart and Teena shuffling up and down, ambulance, more tests, tests I will remember with embarrassment for ever, tests I was too drowned in pain to remember, insurance hassles, a stuffed toy, lollipops and cards, hospital food, sneaked in Mc Donalds burger, work sent from office, concerned phone calls, pretend concern phone calls, pain pain pain. Less pain lesser pain, no pain. Discharge. Advice. Doing things alone. Home.

Cycle 3: Antibio, antibio, antibio. Bacteria develops resistant. Bacterial infection in the worst of places. Ecrutiating pain. Can’t sit. Can’t move. Crying in the bathroom. crying in the bedroom. Cursing everyone there is to curse. Nemo accompanying me for every hellish bathroom visit. Memoll sitting near me all the time. Afshan and chocolate cake. Mrinal and Andrew and lunch and tender coconut water and love. Payal and comfort. Rutger and sympathy. Teena and love. Bart always. Surprise visit from Gibson and Malik who drove all the way from Chennai just to see me for a few hours. Home and phone calls and voices that make me feel better just listening to them. More work sent home.

I need to stop here to talk about pain. Pain is a funny experience. When you go through it, you are so consumed by it that you promise the one up there you are talking to all the time that you will do everything in your power to stop asking for anything if only it will go away. Your whole life becomes centered around it. You are irritable CONSTANTLY. Everything people say seems to be targeted at only making your pain worse. No one gets it coz only you are going through it and you hate the world for it. You take out all the anger, the frustration, the sheer tiredness of having to deal with it every day on every one else. Especially the ones you love best. And then you feel wretched and guilty about it. You cry all the time. You sleep crying. You wake up crying.

Cycle 4: Recuperating. Frustration. Small ventures outside the house. Quickly back inside. Bart’s bday dinner. Pain in the restaurant. Doctor’s visits. Tests. Work sent home. Ravi being there to make things better. Sharika’s exams. Ama comes to take care. Anagha visits after 3 years. Happy. Talks. Dinner. Ama magically makes illness better. Long talks with Anu. Dinner, movie. Ama and Anu leave. Flu decided to torment me. Cough, cold, congestion, fever. Teena not well. Bart leaves for the Netherlands. Payal calls to check. Ravi calls to check. Sneha and her never ending support.

Cycle 5: I go home. Flu slowly goes. kidney pain goes. Bacterial infection goes. Frustration at job. Mean bosses. Decision to only freelance from now on. Happy at flexibility. Happy to be home in my room. Happy to see amuma and apupa and ama and acha. Happy to see Simba and Cocoa. Guilty about leaving Nemo and Memoll behind. Phone calls. Mails. Good food. Gitu and Jess and the beautiful beautiful beach. Hospital visits. Trivandrum and muthashi. My adorable nephew and cuz and aunt and uncle. New paintings. An airplane and Back in Bangalore. My babies. My house. Missing home.

Now comes Cycle 6 and I see the wave crest here again. Here’s to the next batch of me surfing on my waves. Love you all for being there for me.

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